When acceptance is hard…
I know it’s been a while since I wrote here and that’s because there’s been a lot going on behind the scenes over here between the usual things of course, but on a more personal level I’ve often been left wondering as we all enter this stage of moving on from what life has looked like “What will it look like for me?” In the sense that I’ve been scrambling to try and come up with a plan for myself moving forward and in the process of wanting to pursue, wanting my pace to go further or faster than it is.
Why? You may ask. Well for one it can be frustrating at times realizing this very fact that as much as I’ve written about how I’ve learned to accept my pace and all it brings, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I can easily accept it all the time, and that’s precisely what this blogpost is all about. Those moments in our lives that we maybe don’t feel good enough or question our own progress as we begin to compare ourselves to others. I know this experience is something I’ve struggled with personally for most of my life, an Autistic individual especially, it can often seem frustrating to see the pace at which the world moves compared to my own and cause me to question my own progress (as important as it may be). In the way, if I’m not living up to where I WANT MYSELF to be or believe should be based on what others have been doing then anything I do isn’t good enough. It just isn’t. It’s in these moments where I feel myself become especially irritated with my own progress, have doubts, frustration, place blame on what or who I can- usually it’s between my circumstances outside my control and my diagnosis but rarely on my own motivation (which is often the case). I also practice true impatience, which as family refers to “me wanting to be at place “X” yesterday or right away when in reality it may take longer to get there. One such example of this is how far I’ve come or worked at my own independence and freedom. It is something that’s truly important to me, but figuring out how to incorporate those steps into my daily life amidst a work schedule and courses hasn’t been easy. Yet, I desperately, desperately wanted at times to be able to be out on my own, but the reality of a) what I make and b) the life skills I have yet to acquire have hit me like a ton of bricks. In this way, I’ve been almost discouraged by this realization and how much further I am from getting to where I actually want to be than where I’d like it.
This truly is the crux of the experience, to have the damning moment of looking ahead and realizing that that finish line may be further away then you perceive it, and still trying your best to work your way forward. It’s the honest truth that sometimes this experience gets to me, like a grain of sand rubbing against my consciousness reminding me that I am not yet where I hope to be. In which case, sometimes, it gets to me and I feel especially down about myself or progress and therefore less accepting of my own experiences or reality. Sometimes I feel like “If I could just be like others or follow along” or move through life without thinking of these extra things, for just one day then it would all be good. While, others when I am feeling on top of things and making steady progress I feel more positive and proud of my direction. It all just depends on how I am feeling and what particular aspect of an experience in life I am seeking to have and where that has fit in with my own reality.
Over-all I have chosen to share this thought with you as a look into the other end of learning to be okay with what it’s like to realize the way in which you need to move about life is different from others and the reality that sometimes it takes work to accept where one is at, especially if you are like me and feel yourself get impatient with the progress. So, if you experience anything like this or feel frustrated about your pace know that you are not alone. I, too, struggle with moving forward at my own pace as well.
Until next time,