First Experiences, the Need to Know and Me

 (In Other Words: How I Would Like to Learn vs. How I Actually Do)

As much as I’d like to say that reading books or asking a million questions on uncertain or new experiences will guarantee a better understanding on the current dilemma, it doesn’t. Nor does trying to figure everything out before jumping into the experience or moving forward. Yet, at times it seems a little intimidating to begin without knowing everything there is to know or betting on the chance that somewhere along the way you’ll figure things out one way or another, but when faced with an experience that is new to me or something I’ve never had before it seems a natural response of mine to question, search for understanding and know as much as I can before diving in. So questions like: “what will I get out of it?” “what if it doesn’t work?” and “what should I expect” pop into my consciousness in order to soothe the uncomfortable feeling I sometimes experience when things seem uncertain, and what often drives me to reach out to others for advice or questions regarding a current experience.

The habit of doing so often is hard for others to understand why I need to know so much or want to have everything figured out… heck, it’s been hard for me to wrap my brain around as well, but the truth is also that at times it seems so ingrained in who I am and how I am able to handle the world that if anything seems to be more nature than a nurtured habit it’s this. Which turns out to be part of the Autistic experience, especially for females like myself, as explained in Laura James Book “Odd Girl Out” by Tony Attwood as: “the need to search for patterns of life; analyzing them, initiating them, and faking them”. Suddenly it makes sense why it is a tendency of mine to crave everything, and why I’ve struggled with new experiences because it is these that come with no pattern and leave much to be figured out.

Where Does This Leave Us:

Realizing that it is how I am has helped in some way make sense of this need, but the rest seems to be figuring out how not to let it take over and slowly work to enjoy the todays because worrying about tomorrow or the next day, or what may happen in the future because doing so has never done me any good. Especially since things are always changing, and with that there is no way for me to know everything at any given moment. Therefore, each day I am working on doing what I can not to go down that path, because it rarely works, and even if I find myself having figured something out it’s not long before I’m questioning EVERYTHING all over again or looking for more information- as it’s an endless search. Instead, one must do only one thing and that’s accept things as they are, where they are at; and giving up the unanswerable questions because there is a reason for them to be. Even then the best way to figure things out is simply by giving it a try because all the research, questioning and reviewing in the world will only give you an idea of what it’s like but to get the full picture will mean giving it a try, even if you’re uncertain or don’t know, it’s the only way. Yes, it may be scary, new, uncertain and most definitely will take some amount of figuring out along the way.

So carry on intrepid explorers, for you may eventually find your way, and as always Stay You-nique!


Feature Photo by Kevin Noble on Unsplash

Other images: Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

Photo by martin-pegg-522551-unsplash